My Iraq Strategy

I really wish things would move along faster in our current struggle against the insurgents and Al Qaeda thugs in Iraq. Based on that, I have a few humble suggestions that should be considered.

1. Body Armor: As our valiant Democratic leadership has pointed out, the current administration just doesn't care how well protected our troops are. The current Interceptor Body Armor with ESAPI plates only covers about 30% of the vital areas of our soldiers. Luckily, the current armor does have back plates, which helps with the Democratic leadership because it ensures our forces stay safe while retreating. We really need a new body armor solution that provides plate coverage over 100% of their bodies. That way, Nancy Pelosi can rest assured that our forces are 100% protected, even when kneeling and groveling while apologizing for our unnecessary war of aggression. In addition, recent Al Qaeda terrorist attacks have included the use of chlorine gas, so a fully encapsulated helmet with a built in gas mask would be ideal. To save money on procurement, we should not produce this armor in sizes for short troopers.
2. Camouflage: The Army has moved to the ACU pattern, which seems to be only effective if our soldiers try to hide inside discount fabric stores or retail furniture outlets. In all honesty though, fratricide is often as big a killer as anything else, so we should just give up on camouflage altogether, and ensure our new battle armor comes with a glossy white finish. That way, it will be obvious where our guys are at, so we don’t accidentally drop some JDAMS on them. This will also help the press and Iraqi stringers working for Rueters/Al Qaeda more easily identify our troops so we can get maximum press coverage for the rest of the war.
3. Weapons: Our current force uses M-4's and M-16/A4's. While moderately decent, they are not near bad ass enough to inspire instant fear in our foes. Many want to move back to a 7.62mm round, but that makes for much higher ammo bulk (much better stopping power though). What is really needed is a rifle capable of hurling bolts of plasma thousands of times (say the length of 3-6 full cinema length movies) without ever needing to be reloaded. These weapons should also be small, in case our special forces ever need to establish a counter insurgency in an area populated by boreal 3 foot tall teddy bear looking critters. For max shock and awe, their beams should be either red or blue, depending on which side they are being used by (we should establish a Geneva convention process for determining who gets each color in any conflict). Finally, these "blaster" rifles should be fully capable of being "set for stun," so that National Guard units will be capable of state mobilizations to slap down hippies in any major future protests.
4. Vehicles: Our vehicles are simply too close to the ground, which makes IED's and EFP's much too effective. We need to develop a method to eliminate this threat, by creating armored transports that actually use giant mechanical legs to walk above the ground. We could have little two legged ones for the cavalry scouts and big huge four legged ones to replace the bradleys in our heavy mechanized units. We should set up a test range in Antarctica for these new systems, so we can ensure they can be tested in the toughest conditions on Earth, someplace where the odds of survival for a lone human at night is like 260,000:1, depending on which R2 unit you ask.
5. Respect: Like or not, our front line commanders in Iraq are looked at as sheiks by the local community. Unfortunately, fear is a very important motivator in the Arab world, and to be honest, when a battalion commander goes to a meeting with the locals, he needs to be feared and respected. "Lieutenant Colonel" or "Red Devil-6" just don't cut it folks. From now on, the US Army needs to replace the name of the rank 0-5, "Lieutenant Colonel," with the new rank "Darth."
6. Naval Power Projection: While most would agree that the Nimitz class aircraft carrier is 90,000 tons of American diplomacy, nobody in Iran or Pakistan seems to be listening to our F/A-18 laced entendre. What is really needed is a fully functional battle station, capable of destroying worlds. Say, something that would look like a small moon to a burned out cultist in brown robes. In addition, the contracts to produce this "Death Star" should be an exclusive non-foreign bid, with extra care to make sure that Boskans are NEVER allowed work on the contract, PERIOD.
7. National Command Authority: Unlike most, I don't have a lot of beef with President Bush. However, I am getting tired of him get beat to a pulp by his "loyal" opposition and the way, way, way too conservative National Press. He keeps getting roughed up bad, and simply shrugs with that "golly gee, shucks, I still ain't gonna leave Iraq" look on his face. Once more, I'm down with that, but the chummy, down home Mr Nice Guy shit needs to end. Our president needs to embrace the dark side, become a Sith Lord, and be able to hurl blue lightning bolts while choking out Senator Harry Reed from across the room. When some French diplomat or Palestinian envoy tries talking some crap about the Middle East Peace process, he can always retort, "you don't realize the power of the dark side. Now release your anger!" If he could replace the Vice President with an acrobatic, dual sword wielding demon with an 8th dan in Tae Kwon Do, then that would be an added bonus.

… or we could buck up and decide to win, realizing that soldiers win wars, not gadgets, and our soldiers are true warriors that WILL win.